January 01, 2007 12:50 AM by Joe Reality
To kick off the Year 2007, Reality TV Magazine is offering up our predictions for the upcoming year. Will American Idol 6 thrive or struggle in the ratings? What new ideas will the networks come up with to stretch out their reality TV results shows? Are there any more reality TV shows in Rob & Amber’s future? Keep reading for Reality TV Magazine’s 2007 predictions about the answers to these questions and more.
American Idol ratings will plummet. Yes, all good things must eventually come to an end. Viewers will finally grow tired of American Idol, and ratings will spiral downward during Season 6. A desperate FOX network will make several drastic changes in an attempt to save the show. Moves made by FOX will include firing host Ryan Seacrest and bringing back Brian Dunkleman and featuring William Hung & Kevin Federline in a midseason surprise performance that will blow America away.
Dancing with the Stars results show will expand to four hours. In an attempt to milk Dancing with the Stars for everything it’s worth, ABC will expand the Dancing with the Stars results show to four hours. The first hour will be a complete re-airing of the previous night’s performance show, the second hour will be additional commentary from the judges and hosts on the previous night’s performance show, the third hour will be another complete re-airing of the previous night’s performance show, and the final hour will be filler and sponsor plugs leading up to the elimination announcement in the final minute.
Bravo will announce thirty-two top shows. After the success of Top Chef, Bravo announced the pick-up of shows called Top Design and Top Hair. In 2007, Bravo will announce a total of thirty-two additional top shows, ranging from Top Postal Worker to Top Clerical Assistant.
ABC will announce The Bachelor Kazakhstan. In perhaps Sacha Baron Cohen’s greatest prank ever, he manages to convince the producers of ABC’s The Bachelor that he is a Kazakhstan prince. Despite Prince Borat repeatedly referring to the bachelorettes as prostitutes and insisting they sleep in cages, none of the girls complain because they don’t want to lose their chance at marrying a prince. In the end, it’s ABC that is laughing, because it becomes the highest rated season of The Bachelor ever.
Rob & Amber will be cast on Big Brother 8. CBS executives suddenly realize that there is a reality TV show on their network on which Rob & Amber Mariano have not appeared. Since Rob & Amber are woefully underexposed and America can’t get enough of this dynamic reality TV couple, CBS signs the pair for Big Brother 8. And because Boston Rob has it in his contract that he gets two chances at winning every reality TV show he appears on, CBS goes ahead and signs him and his wife Amber on for Big Brother 9 as well.
FOX Reality will announce Quackery: The Sound of Scalpels. Award-winning entertainment producers Nigel Lythgoe and Ken Warwick have made millions with such shows as American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, and America’s Got Talent, but they’ve always dreamed of being brain surgeons. Despite the fact that Lythgoe and Warwick know nothing about conducting surgical operations and the illegality of the very concept, no one dares to stand in the way of the desires of two of the most powerful men in television. Arriving at the hospital dressed in designer clothing, Lythgoe and Warwick try to convince the scrub clad chief surgeon of their interest in medicine. From there the hilarities and struggles persist; organ transplants go awry; surgical instruments get lost inside of patients; malpractice suits ensue; and visitors to the hospital suffer accidental amputations. They make Idols. But can they save lives?
As most probably realize, we were just having a little fun with our predictions. Everyone knows that American Idol ratings will never decline, and our other show predictions are longshots as well. However, just in case FOX Reality executives are reading this, we expect some royalties if they announce Quackery: The Sound of Scalpels next month.